lecterings:

'where is the pen i was using like 3 seconds ago' an autobiography i'll never write because i keep losing the pen i was using like 3 seconds ago.

(via cold-winter-days)

“ When you date somebody you will either marry them or break up, and god dammit I never liked the idea of marriage but I’d rather be yours than alone.
Teacher: "Can you please tell the class why you're so late?"
Me: Someone told me to go to hell
Me: Couldn't find it at first
Me: But now I'm here